Spirituel Me.

So what compelled me to create this post was actually your sheer insensitivity of words you chose to pick and refute. To begin with, he and you are just complete strangers. There isn’t any reason to even label him; furthermore you have your life to lead right now, while I have mine. In addition, I am extremely certain that he and you are vastly different in terms of mentality, attitude and behavior. Sure, you may think that I am fooling around, but excuse me; I do pick and consider my choices carefully, unlike you. What I can be sure of is that you are going to be the one who has been in my life for the shortest period, and that is such a deplorable thing to say actually.

For your benefit, I’d like to let you know how puerile your arguments in retorting me was, I quote, “I have the right to say what I want to say”, “You fucking cruel heartless bitch”. Hello, that doesn’t prove a point; it probably just goes to show how your immaturity doesn’t reflect well on you despite your built and age. Your arguments are FLAWED. Your trains of thoughts are not even on the same frequency as mine, so perhaps that is the reason why you are so easily deceived. And that is why you probably need to find someone else of lower intellect and capacity than you instead. Maybe so that you won’t feel so emasculated, I don’t know.

Honestly I didn’t intend to write this, but what bugged me was your brazen presumption based on my limited description of him that had fomented my discontent. I could in fact blatantly stated my views about your contemptibility, but I’d just let it slide, for you probably are unable to absorb anymore criticism from yours truly. And maybe that’d save a toilet door from being broken. I’m actually trying to picture that woebegone look that you have while reading this, and how your heart is thumping away rapidly because you are going to explode in front of the computer. Too bad you chose to associate with me in the first place, but yes, I am talking about you. “Fucking cruel heartless bitch” you may say, but you certainly asked for it. So next time, choose better things to say, mister.

P.S: Rudimentary isn’t a big word; it just describes your level of comprehending things. 

And so, the question was finally popped.

And I said yes.

A thousand apologies can never amend the pain inflicted on you. I know I will never be forgiven, but I only hope for graciousness. Crossing each other’s path was fate, but it never lasted. Perhaps due to ignorance, phobias and short lived happiness, some things can never be forced. Its tough to put up a false front too. We have been living in phantasm all these while, and that has been the cold, hard truth. I hope you will grow stronger than ever, because that’s what I believed you were from the start. 

I never saw it coming. I never expected it, neither had I wanted it to even happen. Somehow I wished it was just a nightmare. I also wished that I could turn back time and never started this altercation. But it has happened, it is real and this wrangle has caused me so much. I grieve, I regret. But this time, I hear and obey my folks, for they are right. It was an irrefutable embroilment, and it was my bad for I was literally helpless in salvaging anything till today.

My greatest concern thus far is coping with the unexpected turn in events. Lost, I only seek for forgiveness and understanding. There are things beyond my control or option, and thus I can only watch you leave in silence and sorrow. I have hurt you, crushed your hopes and probably re-enacted something that haunted you. I cannot fathom how cold I could have been since after the agreement for a hiatus; I fear my parents words have finally sunk deep down and woke me up from delusion. Numb to any form of attraction right now, perhaps its time for me to return back to where I started. I confess, I am drifting away from my goal as rebelliousness overwhelmed my emotions and blanketed my long term dreams like a soaked gunny sack over an ignited fire torch. Let’s just take a sabbatical from all these. My burning desires for studying abroad has now died, and so I guess its time for me to find back that motivation I painstakingly built the moment I failed so horribly in life. So please, forgive me.

Perhaps I have forgotten what SSA has even taught me from the beginning, Kosen-rufu and all, causing me to lose faith time and again. Everything happens for a reason, sometimes it could in fact be a blessing in disguise. I don’t know if you still do read my rarely updated space, but I really do want you to know that your selflessness and patience to my foibles is so hard to acquire, and I am grateful for that.

To sum it up 2011 was a fantastic year as I started my life from scratch. I picked up new skills, made new friends, learned new sports, climbed a mountain, helped the needy and kept my life busy. Never had I actually felt anything this fulfilling for the past few years. However, as much as I benefited from the past year, I had my comeuppance for perhaps the blunders I made too. This probably includes getting into discords with lecturers due to my obstinate character and getting to know friends with the shittiest personalities I have ever met that truly saddens me. Anyway, they’re definitely not worth mentioning here either. So if you are pretentious, patronizing, possess a flippant attitude, and is generally a snob, screw you, and screw off. 

Just a few hours ago my cousins and family came by for New Year’s dinner (Actually it was steamboat). They taught my bro and I this pretty cool game called Cribbage. Bet you can’t find it in Singapore (Perhaps Settlers Cafe or Minds Cafe would have it, I don’t know though since they offer board games) since its one of the most popular games in the English-speaking world as my cousin mentioned but sure as hell it was fun. Its a rather quick game that tests your reflexes, counting skills, and is somewhat challenging since you got to strategize your moves. Surprisingly I won, just at the first try of my game! The game’s pretty easy to pick up, since my cousins explained it very well. But honestly I count the majority of my winnings on luck, since I’m not a veteran player and I can’t bet my first win on my skills. Just for your curiosity the maximum number of players for the game is 3. And the cribbage board looks like this:

And the cribbage pegs:

So basically, there will be two pegs of the same colour being used when in play. These two pegs will record the score for each player; the rear peg showing the previous tally, and the foremost peg records the current score. And the objective is to be the first to move your peg through the line of the board till you end in the game hole, or otherwise, be the first to score 121 points. If you are interested to know how it is played, perhaps you could be more hardworking and Google it yourself. And I’m hoping to find this game in Singapore right now. It beats playing the usual card games like Big Two, Bridge or Bluff. And it definitely puts your mental sums skills into test and well perhaps next time when you are on a shopping trip with your mother, you could be her handy walking calculator. 

Putting aside the first day of my new year, I almost forgot to mention about how I spent the last day of 2011. Nevertheless it was with the best company, with one absent. We fine dined at BrusselsSprouts and spent one entire afternoon there, chatting about the most nonsensical stuff and laughing over the magician (that coincidentally resembled my friend) whom randomly came to our table and performed some illusions like popping a diamond out of a playing card, or enlarging a 50cent coin to perhaps a hundred times and also producing a 3.5 club card. All of us were flabbergasted. 

The highlight of the day was actually me and my eastern counterpart trying to find our way from Brussels Sprouts to Parkway Parade. Being the usual directional noobs we ended up at the side of an expressway once we exited the underpass. Lazy to walk back down and across to find another avenue, we decided to continue our journey ahead, walking on unkempt and muddy grass undeterred to find a proper path. After walking for close to 10 minutes we inquired a China construction worker (since there was a construction site on our left) whom told us the path ahead would be accessible once we turned left but to our chagrin we were so damn wrong. After walking through what seemed like a jungle obstacle course with one part leaping over a ditch, we ended up walking to a dead end with a huge concrete barricade that greeted us and in addition a canal with streams of untreated water streaming below our feet. Fantastic. Refusing to walk all the way back through the possibly 1km turf to the underground passage we ended up climbing over the barricade…in our skirts. I clearly remember how the other pedestrians whom walked past us giving us that queer look about how two girls landed up there in such a pathetic state. Very awkward, but that definitely was the most memorable day to end the year 2011.

So long till my next post!